Restoring Playfulness & Pleasure to Your Sex Life
By Darshana Avila, Trauma Informed, Pleasure Centric Erotic Wholeness Coach.
With all the seriousness and responsibility that can come along with being an adult, one of the best things about sex is that it’s an incredible way for us grown ups to play.
Yet just like a child who’s been told not to say or do certain things that feel natural and pleasurable to them, shame causes far too many adults to censor their sexual selves.
We’re bombarded with judgments and opinions, most of them highly biased and ill informed, about the “right way” to be sexual, which of course implies there is also a “wrong way”.
Spoiler alert: no there isn’t!
The fact of the matter is any form of erotic expression or particular sexual act between fully consenting adults that they find mutually pleasurable and satisfying is objectively “right”.
You get to choose how you want to play, when, where and with whom.
So what to do with the voices in your head that might be telling you otherwise? The ones that have you editing yourself, suppressing your desires, rejecting parts of yourself and/or your partners rather than embracing your authentic eroticism?
Like it or not, you can’t just wish them away.
If you want them to loosen their grip so that you get to loosen up and enjoy all the playful, creative, wild wonder that is possible in your sex life, you’re going to have to go the opposite route.
Curiosity and compassion are key here.
Get to know what your biases are and what they’re protecting. Most likely, there’s a belief that liking what you like and wanting what you want is in some way wrong or dangerous. That if others knew this part of you, they’d reject you, punish you, etc.
We’re wired to seek and protect our sense of belonging. So when it comes to parts of our sexuality we fear others wouldn’t approve of, we shut it down instead of finding safe and supportive ways to share it.
First, offer some loving kindness to the part that’s been gripped by shame. Really, it’s been trying to keep you safe, so it deserves gratitude and to be shown there is another way.
Next, let yourself imagine how it would look and feel if you got to embrace your authentic sexuality and be celebrated in it by those dear to you. Visualize it, sense it in your body, begin to bring this possibility to life, even in the privacy of your inner world.
Then, reflect on one step that you can take toward expressing this in your outer experience, no matter how small that step may seem.
Maybe you weave a previously rejected part of you into your solo sex in some small measure and grow your comfort with this aspect of yourself there before you share it out.
Maybe you choose a trusted confidant who you feel comfortable showing your truest self to and talk to them about how you’re unwinding shame around your sexuality.
Maybe you open a dialog with your lover or partner about a new erotic element you’re curious to experiment with the next time you play together.
Taking gradual, measured steps in the direction of your sexual truth is a wonderful way to pave a path to your authentic expression and the playfulness and pleasure that are your sexual birthright.
Let the shame fall away layer by layer, trusting your timing and process to stepping fully into your Erotic Wholeness!
Darshana guides individuals, couples and groups toward their Erotic Wholeness in both her private practice and online offerings. Discover more about Darshana’s work here: darshanaavila.com
