How To Let Go Of Your Hang-ups & Become Confident In Bed

By Mangala Holland, Sexual Confidence & Orgasm Coach.

My first cervical orgasm was one of the most profound events of my life. I felt waves of orgasmic bliss that went on and on for almost an hour. It felt truly cosmic, like nothing I’d ever experienced before. I finally felt free and liberated! I was left feeling awe and wonder that this happened within my body. I did this!

It was a far cry from the years of feeling numb, completely shut down and disconnected. I’d held so much shame about my sexuality for many years. I had deep desires but didn’t know how to communicate what I wanted, and I looked for validation in all the wrong places, with strings of drunken one-night stands that always left me feeling even more shame.

I know what it’s like to feel that white-hot crushing feeling of shame. Being asked “what do you like?” in bed, and just freezing. Being terrified of being judged and slut-shamed, or being seen as a prude. Being judged for the way my body looks. The list was endless…

In the last 12 years I’ve taught thousands of women and vulva-owners to awaken their orgasmic potential and sexual confidence. And the most common obstacle for them is shame.

So how can you let go of your hang-ups, insecurity, shame and shut-down and become confident, free and liberated, so that you can have epic sex and fulfilment?

Establish safety

I could give you the best pleasure tricks and tips but if you don’t feel safe enough to feel what’s happening in your body, then you won’t be able to focus on pleasure. Doing simple nervous system regulation practices (like very gentle breathwork) can be very supportive in creating a foundation of safety within your body.

Embodiment

If you want to overcome shame and feel more pleasure, your body holds the keys. Exploring simple movement practices helps you to feel more bodily sensation, without judgment. This helps to build trust in your feelings, and a deeper knowing of what feels good. It means you start to orient towards what feels pleasurable, while the physical tension patterns of shame become less. You’ll also start to focus on what feels good from the inside-out, rather than obsessing over how you think you look, which is incredibly liberating.

Self-pleasure

When you engage in self-exploration, you get to experiment with figuring out what you actually like, and what works for you. It makes it so much easier to communicate this to a partner when you’ve discovered it for yourself. It helps you to build confidence in your own body and experiences.

Thoughts & Emotions

When sabotaging thoughts arise, such as “this is wrong, I’m dirty, I’m too much” – take a pause and ask yourself – “says who?”. Where did you get that message? Chances are, you picked up that message from your upbringing, a former partner, or a religious institution. You get to decide whether that’s actually true, or something you internalized when you were younger, and you can now let it go. Working with a great sex coach or therapist can work wonders if this is something you struggle with.

Knowledge

Let’s face it, most of us didn’t get amazing sex education that left us feeling empowered and confident. I didn’t even know cervical orgasms existed until I was nearly 40! So don’t beat yourself up if you haven’t learned much about yourself, your body or your pleasure. It’s never too late to learn, in fact I have clients in their 70s who are discovering their first orgasms.

Having supported so many clients and seen so many incredible transformations (especially in people who thought they would never experience orgasms), please know that there is a world of freedom, fun and sexual confidence on the other side of shame. It may take some curiosity and patience, but the rewards are incredible.

A leading international expert in female pleasure, Mangala Holland is a Women’s Sexual Confidence & Orgasm Coach. She’s on a mission to help women and pussy-owners become empowered through loving themselves fiercely, celebrating their sexuality, and overcoming the fear, guilt and shame that keeps them playing small. Learn more about how she can help you here: https://mangalaholland.com/

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