How to Recover Your Sexual Desire After a Bad Relationship

By Yanique Bell.

I’ve been coming off of a season of low sexual desire. After a terrible relationship ended and the ensuing fallout leading to revelations about the other relationships in my life, I just haven’t been “in the mood.” Can you relate? 

Our heart, pussy, and mind are deeply connected. When the heart is hurting, it makes sense that our connection to our sensual center can wane. Even worse, the end of a bad relationship can trigger shame around sex, as well as regret about allowing that person in, in the first place. As a result, we can improperly attribute our sexual expression as the cause of our pain. And there are no shortages of shame-based messages around sex in our society to reinforce this — you had sex with them too soon. How could you sleep with someone who treated you like that? You got yourself too attached. While we are better psychologically-versed than previous generations, we can still be pretty psychologically lazy as a species. These arguments make it hard for survivors to speak up about what they went through and make it even harder to spot the severe harm that was done to their psyche through psychological manipulation and abuse, especially covert abuse. 

I want you to know that your desire for sex and intimacy was not the reason you were badly hurt in this relationship. Your desire for sex and intimacy is pure, natural, and human — your desire was good, it was just a bad relationship. 

Sex’s Role in a Good Relationship

In a good relationship, sex is not used as a weapon or reward for compliance. It’s not used to entrap you or “get you hooked.” It’s the overflow of your soul’s desire to express the excitement, joy, and love you’re feeling in the moment. In this awareness lies the path to rekindling your sexual desire after a bad relationship: allow it to happen naturally and organically. Don’t try to force it or push yourself to don lingerie when you’re not ready yet. To restore your sexual desire after a bad relationship, focus on the good relationship you’re cultivating with you. And just like in a good relationship with another person, sex with yourself shouldn’t be a “should” or “have to.” Give yourself the space to find your desire again. 

Recovering Your Sexual Desire – Start with the Small, Little Pleasures of Life  

For me, this looked like spending months simply connecting to my senses in a non-sexual way. When I went for walks, I would peel my eyes from the ground and peer up at the tops of the towering white oak trees, listening to the wind rustling the leaves and hoping to spot a gliding hawk. I recommitted to my yoga practice, taking time to feel the breath in each movement (that is, when I wasn’t huffing and puffing and falling over). I got back into drinking tea, savoring the feel of a warm cup in my hands, the bitterness on my tongue… And I allowed this to be enough. 

Over time, I started paying attention to other things I liked. Like the soft feel of my moisturized thighs under the sheets at night. Or, the way my hair felt after a good wash day — refreshed and hydrated, ready to take on the week. I started putting together new outfit combinations and playing with the more quirky and colorful pieces in my closet. Bit by sensual bit, I started feeling open to experiencing pleasure again. So much so, that I have no desire to allow anyone in who will disrupt this sweet relationship with myself. I like feeling good. 

I coupled this focus on sensuality, over sexuality, with tremendous amounts of inner work and research into what went wrong. I learned about narcissistic abuse and how to identify it. For you, this might look like exploring your attachment styles and childhood wounds. Or, exploring codependency and healthy boundaries. Likely, all of the above. But as you give your heart time to heal and gain wisdom from your experiences, soon your pussy will light up again, all on her own, all in perfect timing… She’s so worth the wait. 

Join my Free 30-Day Sensual Reset Challenge

My sexual spark is returning and I want to help you on your journey back to yours. I’m running a FREE 30-Day Sensual Reset Challenge all month long, where I’ll be providing a little sensual practice each day to help you stay connected to your body and nurture your sensuality back to life. You can join the challenge here at yaniquebell.com/sensualreset (If you’re seeing this after the challenge has ended, you can still join through the automated emails. I’m happy to be your guide, whenever you’re ready). 

Remember that your inner garden goes through seasons. Trust that the next bloom will be even more robust than the last, with newly adapted techniques to keep out unwanted pests and bring in more light 😉

Yanique Bell, The Pussy QueenŽ, Certified Intimacy Coach. Is life feeling too heavy and out of balance? Do you find yourself struggling to connect with your sensual side? Join Yanique’s 30-Day Sensual Reset Challenge to go from stressed and disconnected to revitalized and refreshed!