Love The One You’re With
By Rachel Grant, M.A. Counseling Psychology.
The more I work with survivors of sexual abuse, the more I recognize one of the greatest hopes we have: That our experiences will not define us, and that we can cultivate joy, intimacy, and pleasure in our lives.
Healing is not just about overcoming pain—it is about rediscovering delight, connection, and the beauty of sexual expression. Too often, discussions around healing focus solely on trauma, but an essential part of recovery is learning to embrace pleasure and allowing ourselves to experience fulfilling, shame-free sexuality.
One of the key challenges survivors face in this journey is letting go of protective barriers that, while once necessary for survival, may now hinder intimacy and joy. We often develop patterns of self-protection, not just in sexual relationships, but in all areas of connection. These habits can manifest as emotional guardedness, fear of vulnerability, or difficulty expressing desire.
One of the most common barriers to embracing a positive and joyful sexual life is the fear of being fully seen. Whether it’s emotional intimacy or physical closeness, the fear of being judged or rejected can hold us back from experiencing the deep pleasure and connection we crave. Yet, true intimacy requires allowing ourselves to be known—not just in our carefully curated moments but in our raw, unscripted authenticity.
How often have we hesitated to express a desire, fearing that our partner might not understand or reciprocate? How frequently have we downplayed our needs, assuming that asking for what we truly want would be burdensome? These hesitations stem from the same place that drives us to keep up appearances in other areas of life—the belief that we must protect ourselves from potential hurt.
But what if we gave up the need to “look good” and instead embraced honest, open communication? What if we allowed ourselves to explore and express desire without shame? Imagine the depth of connection we could experience if we trusted that our needs and pleasures were not only valid but worth celebrating.
One way this self-protective tendency shows up is in how we frame invitations for intimacy. Consider the difference between saying, “I would love to spend more time connecting with you and exploring what brings us pleasure,” versus, “I know you’re really busy, but maybe if you have time, we could try something new together.” The first is a clear, confident request that invites connection. The second is laced with hesitation, preemptively assuming rejection.
To cultivate joyful, fulfilling intimacy, we must practice making clear requests—not just in everyday interactions, but in our sexual and romantic relationships as well.
Step 1: Get clear about what you desire. What type of connection or intimacy are you seeking?
Example: “I would love to explore more sensual touch and playful experiences with you.”
Step 2: Be specific—What, when, and how?
Example: “Would you like to set aside time this weekend to try a new experience together, like a massage or guided meditation for intimacy?”
Step 3: Invite a conversation.
Example: “How does that sound to you? What do you think would make it fun and comfortable for both of us?”
Step 4: Be open to negotiation and response without fear of rejection.
Example: If your partner isn’t open to the idea, trust that it doesn’t mean they are rejecting you—it simply means a different conversation is needed to find mutual comfort and pleasure.
By embracing openness, we not only deepen our intimate relationships but also reclaim our right to joy, pleasure, and connection. Love and desire thrive in spaces where honesty and vulnerability are welcomed, not feared.
So let’s step into this journey of joyful sexuality with confidence. Let’s move beyond fear and hesitation and into a space of shared pleasure, clear communication, and deep connection. It’s time to embrace the full spectrum of what it means to be alive, whole, and worthy of love—not just surviving, but thriving in our intimate lives.
Rachel Grant is a disruptor of traditional modes of healing, creator of the Beyond Surviving program, international speaker, podcast host, and Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach with an M.A. in Counseling Psychology. She is also the author of Beyond Surviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse.
Based on her educational training, study of neuroscience, and lessons learned from her own journey, she has successfully used the Beyond Surviving Program since 2007 to help survivors of childhood sexual abuse who are beyond sick and tired of feeling broken and unfixable break free from the pain of abuse and finally move on with their lives.
Learn more at www.rachelgrantcoaching.com
