6 Game-Changing Tips to Fearlessly Ask for What You Want in Bed!
By Mangala Holland.
As a women’s sexual empowerment coach, one of the common things my clients say is that talking about sex feels more vulnerable than the act itself.
Many clients share frustrations with me, and when I ask if they’ve told their partner, they say, “I don’t know how”. If you’ve ever frozen when your lover asks, “what do you like?” and you don’t know how to respond, or you’re worried about your partner feeling rejected if you tell them it’s not working for you, read on.
So why is it so hard to speak up?
For many of us socialised as female, we’ve been brought up to be nice, quiet good girls. We’re taught not to make a fuss and to put other people’s needs first. We also receive implicit messages that if we don’t give into our partner’s sexual demands, they might leave. When you add in the lack of education about the importance of female pleasure and orgasms, is it any wonder that it can be hard to speak up in the bedroom?
The good news is – you can develop the confidence and skills to communicate your needs effectively, without making your partner feel bad or bruising their ego. Learning to speak up with ease is an essential part of becoming sexually empowered and confident.
Here are my top tips:
- Get clear on what you do like.
It’s much easier to ask for what you want when you actually know what you like! Many of my clients have struggled with this so it’s important to prioritise your self-discovery and self-pleasure. Learn what turns you on. Discover what feels good in your body, say yes to it and explore it more. Give yourself the time, patience and dedication that you’d like from a partner. Remember – partners may come and go, but your primary relationship is with yourself.
- Practice your yes and no.
Start with practicing this in a non-sexual context so you can build your confidence. Some people struggle saying no to anyone under any conditions! Get curious about what no and yes feel like in your body. Explore this in your self-pleasure practice by checking in with how you really feel – are you getting a yes to internal exploration? Start honouring and celebrating your no as much as your yes, because you’re developing healthy boundaries.
- Communicate without blame and shame.
If something isn’t working in the bedroom, rather than saying “you’re doing it wrong”, or “I don’t like that”, try communicating with compassion, kindness and positivity. My intimacy coaching clients get great results by asking “can we try X instead?”, “are you open to changing position?” or “would you be open to exploring X?”.
- Non-verbal cues.
Sometimes you might not be able to speak up, especially if something is not going well and you have a trauma response. Discuss this in advance with your partner so you can check in regularly, and agree a non-verbal cue in case you need to pause or stop. This might look like a tap on the arm, or your movements have changed, or your breath has changed. Once your partner knows what to look out for, it’s easier for them to attune to your needs. Developing strategies that work for you are essential for your sexual wellness and healing.
- Celebrate what’s working well.
When you’re enjoying something, make it obvious! Nobody is a mindreader, and assumption is deadly! Try saying things like ”yes, I love what you’re doing right now”, “this is working for me”, etc. Try making more pleasure sounds – if this feels challenging, get curious – can you make just 1% more sound? Notice how your partner responds. Often pleasure sounds can create a positive feedback loop – you get more turned on and so does your partner.
- Debrief afterwards.
When you’re in the “post-sex cuddle phase”, it’s a good opportunity to share what worked well and what you’d like more of. “I felt really close to you when…” is a phase myself and my partner use. It helps us calibrate what’s working for us and gives us feedback about what to explore next time. Likewise, “I felt we lost our connection when…” can also be useful – it doesn’t put blame on anyone and helps us feel like we’re a team. It means we’re constantly building intimacy, not just through touch and sex, but in words and meaning.
Speaking up about your desires in the bedroom can feel awkward and clunky, but it gets easier with practice. Getting clear on what you enjoy, setting boundaries, and communicating with kindness and confidence is the recipe for a more fulfilling and connected sex life. Learning to express your needs is a powerful step toward deeper intimacy and self-empowerment. The more you embrace your voice, the more satisfying and enriching your experiences will become—for both you and your partner. So start small, be patient with yourself, and celebrate every step forward.
A leading international expert in female pleasure, Mangala Holland is a Women’s Sexual Confidence & Orgasm Coach and is the author of the #1 best-selling book, Orgasms Made Easy: the No-Nonsense Guide to Self-Pleasure, Sexual Confidence & Female Orgasms. Having 12 years experience in the industry, her superpower is helping women and vulva owners become deeply connected to their body, pleasure and orgasmic confidence, which is the natural birthright of everyone. Explore Mangala’s work here: https://mangalaholland.com/o-club
