Better Flirting 101: Rekindling Intimacy in Long-Term Relationships
By Laura Jurgens, PhD.
We’ve all experienced it — that delicious feeling when someone is genuinely flirting with us. The electric glance across a room, a gentle touch on the arm, or the focused attention that makes us feel like the only person in the world. But somewhere between mortgage payments, career stress, and family obligations, many of us forget to nurture this essential skill in our long-term relationships.
Why Flirting Matters (Even After Years Together)
Flirting isn’t just for new relationships. In fact, it’s perhaps even more crucial in established partnerships. When we flirt with our long-term partners, we’re signaling that we still find them desirable, interesting, and worthy of our playful attention. This creates feelings of being wanted and appreciated — exactly what we need to keep long-term connections fresh and vibrant.
Authentic Connection vs. Empty Gestures
The most powerful flirting doesn’t come from memorized pickup lines or formulaic compliments. It stems from being grounded in yourself and authentically connected to your own body, confidence, and eroticism. When you’re constantly seeking validation or approval from your partner’s response, your flirtation will likely feel hollow or even desperate.
True flirtation happens when you’re:
- Fully present in your body
- Connected to your own worth and desires
- Not looking to your partner to validate your existence
- Able to respect both your boundaries and theirs
This grounded, authentic approach creates magnetism that routine or mechanical flirting simply cannot match. Unfortunately, we’re often so disconnected from ourselves that few people are truly great at it. So start with attuning to yourself. There’s a quick primer at the end of this article, and you can find more help in the Sex Help for Smart People podcast episode 8 “Relationship Skills Part 1: Attune to Yourself First.”
Six Ways to Flirt With Your Partner Tonight
Here are six approaches to flirting that can transform your connection:
1. Give genuine attention. Rather than half-listening while scrolling through your phone, put everything aside and truly engage. Ask thoughtful questions that show you’re interested in your partner’s thoughts and experiences.
2. Make meaningful eye contact. Look at your partner the way you did when you first met — with curiosity and appreciation. Add a slow, genuine smile and you’ve created a moment of connection that speaks volumes.
3. Use intentional touch. Even in established relationships where physical contact is commonplace, intentional touch feels different. Let your hand linger on their shoulder, touch their face while making eye contact, or hold their hand with your full attention.
4. Play with proximity and pace. Notice how you can create anticipation by the way you move toward or away from your partner. Sometimes slowing down intentionally and creating a little distance before coming closer, or pausing just before a kiss, can reignite awareness of each other’s physical presence.
5. Embrace playfulness and humor. Shared laughter creates intimacy and decreases stress. Find ways to be silly together, tease gently (never with criticism disguised as humor), and see if you can let go of an attempt to take yourself too seriously.
6. Offer high-quality compliments. Move beyond generic praise and notice specific things about your partner, emphasizing how those things make you feel. Rather than just admiring physical attributes, let them know how you feel when you see them (examples: tingly, warm, lucky). Or compliment their strengths, insights, and the unique qualities that drew you to them initially.
Worrying About Objectification
Many of us worry that expressing physical attraction means we’re “objectifying” our partners. But there’s a profound difference between destructive and constructive objectification.
Destructive objectification reduces someone to how they look, making their appearance their only source of value. This often feels dehumanizing to receive, especially for women, who are told from childhood that their main value is in how they look to others.
Constructive objectification acknowledges someone’s physical appeal as just one enjoyable aspect of their complex, multifaceted self. It respects that there’s so much more to them than what pleases your eye. This type of appreciation generally feels good to receive because it doesn’t diminish the whole person.
Starting Tonight
Begin with a simple exercise: Take a few deep breaths, bringing your awareness to your whole body. Notice how you feel, grounding yourself in the present moment. From this centered place, engage with your partner using one or more of the flirting techniques above. Don’t overthink it or evaluate your “performance” — just be present and playful.
Remember that flirting isn’t just about igniting passion; it’s about continuing to see your partner as a fascinating individual worthy of your attention and desire. When we flirt authentically, we’re saying, “I choose you, still and always” — perhaps the most romantic message of all.
Dr. Laura Jurgens is a Desire-Arousal Specialist, a sexologist, dual-certified relationship coach, and host of the podcast Sex Help for Smart People. Grab her free newsletter for practical, solution-focused help and confidence-building at https://laurajurgens.com.
