How to Give Yourself a Vaginal Massage: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deepening Body Awareness
By Mangala Holland.
People often ask me whether they should pay to have a professional vaginal massage. So what is it, how can it help, and do you need to pay a practitioner?
This is sometimes called yoni massage (yoni is the Sanskrit word for the womb and female genitals and has been co-opted by the neo-Tantra world), intimate bodywork, or dearmouring. It generally involves receiving a full-body massage, followed by internal massage in the vaginal canal. Various pressure points are worked on, with the aim of releasing tension, overcoming numbness and increasing pleasure and sensitivity.
The modality has become popular in some circles in the last 15-20 years. Unfortunately, the neo-Tantra world is unregulated (it’s like the Wild West out there), meaning there is no governing body, no code of conduct and it’s not legal in many places in the world (it’s considered sex work in many places, or falls into a very grey legal area). Finding a good, safe, legitimate practitioner can be a challenge, and sadly there are many, many stories of women being sexually assaulted during bodywork sessions.
I actually practiced this professionally for many years, with clients flying internationally and interstate to work with me. Eventually I transitioned to longer-term coaching and training, because I wanted to support my clients more deeply. Vaginal massage is often seen as a quick fix. Yet when it comes to female bodies and sexual healing, the real work requires time, patience and a gentle approach. I believe that it’s more empowering to do your inner work, rather than handing over your power to a so-called expert. There is only one expert when it comes to your body, and that’s you!
So before you rush out and start googling “tantric practitioners in my area”, I want to share with you how you can give yourself an internal massage. It can be a profound experience, and you can save yourself hundreds of dollars in the process, whilst also ensuring you stay as safe as possible.
Set The Scene
Choose a time and space where you know you’re not going to be disturbed (the last thing you want is to be interrupted by a family member, or have to stop the experience to go pick the kids up from school). Be aware that you might have an emotional release during the process so make sure you’re in the right frame of mind, e.g. you’re not stressed out or upset. You might want lubrication, so make sure you have a lube of choice to hand, and possibly a wand or dildo (it can be much easier to reach deep internal areas with a wand rather than your fingers).
Getting Started
I recommend doing some gentle dance or intuitive movement first, to get yourself out of your head and connected to your body. Then take some slow breaths, and set an intention (are you doing this to discover yourself more fully, to heal, or to awaken orgasms and pleasure?) Then explore your whole body with gentle, intuitive touch, so that this becomes a full-body experience, rather than just a genital one.
External Massage
Start by massaging your inner thighs, and then start to gently explore your inner and outer labia. If you feel ready, you can also explore massaging your clitoris. The goal is not to experience orgasm, but to facilitate relaxation and awaken sensations. At this point, check in with yourself. Do you want to explore internally? If you feel “no” – stop here. Don’t push beyond your limits, you can always try next time. If you feel a “yes” to internal massage, then you can continue, but make sure you keep checking in with yourself. It’s important to stop as soon as something doesn’t feel good. Self-touch isn’t about going straight in – it’s about building relationship. Just like any form of intimacy, it takes time, patience, and listening.
Internal Massage
Insert one finger gently, and take your time to explore the walls of your vaginal canal. Pay attention – what feels good, or interesting, and what areas feel tense or numb? Don’t dig into any pain – always take a “less is more” approach! It’s better to start slowly and with a light pressure, as you can always increase the pressure or intensity as you continue. Get curious about how the tissue feels – is it smooth, bumpy or something else? Try not to judge yourself. Don’t beat yourself up if everything feels numb, this is a process of discovery. Over time, the areas that feel numb can generate more sensation, but you might need to be patient.
If everything starts to relax and open up, you might want to explore with two fingers, or introduce a wand. A wand can be helpful in reaching deep places like your cervix. Only go for as long as feels right to you. You might be surprised by what you can feel physically, energetically or emotionally. My golden rule is if something feels good, explore it more. If it doesn’t feel good, back off and explore something else. Remember – you’re in control. You have the power to stop whenever you feel like you’ve had enough. Exploring with one finger might be enough for your first attempt.
Emotional Release
It’s not uncommon to have an emotional release during a self-massage. You might have old memories come to the surface, tears from the depth of your being, a feeling of profound bliss, or even a big fit of laughter! If anything feels too intense, remember you’re in control. Ease the pressure that you’re applying, pause, breathe and if you feel ready, explore a different area. Sometimes emotions will change rapidly, at other times you might want to rest, stop and integrate the experience.
Take Your Time
Don’t expect to “fix” all your blocks overnight, or suddenly unleash internal orgasms. It can take several sessions to work through numbness, or to feel like you’re even able to explore internally. More than anything, it’s important to go at your own pace and listen to your body. Take the goal off the table – internal massage is an opportunity to practice deep listening to the innermost parts of yourself.
Integration
Don’t skip this step! Internal massage can be profound, and sometimes very expansive. It’s important to take the time to rest and let the energy settle, so that you can integrate your experience. When you finish, rest your hands on your body (you could rest one hand on your vulva and the other hand on your heart, or just rest your hands anywhere on your body). Keep your eyes closed and focus on your breath. Notice how you feel, physically, energetically and emotionally. You might want to journal about your experience.
When Should I Work With an Expert?
If you feel that you could benefit from working with a professional, there are several options. If you need a bodyworker, please proceed with caution. I definitely would not recommend working with a man as I’ve heard too many horror stories. Look for someone who has been professionally trained, e.g. a Sexological Bodyworker. If you have sexual trauma, I would not recommend bodywork as your first port of call. Instead, seek out a therapist who has experience in this area, preferably someone with somatic expertise.
You may find that working with a sex coach or therapist can help you more fully – by working together over a period of time they can support you to overcome your blocks and make gradual, sustained progress with professional expertise and guidance. Sometimes we can’t see our own blind spots and having support and accountability can be worth it’s weight in gold.
A leading international expert in female pleasure, Mangala Holland is a Women’s Sexual Confidence & Orgasm Coach and is the author of the #1 best-selling book, Orgasms Made Easy: the No-Nonsense Guide to Self-Pleasure, Sexual Confidence & Female Orgasms. Having 12 years experience in the industry, her superpower is helping women and vulva owners become deeply connected to their body, pleasure and orgasmic confidence, which is the natural birthright of everyone. A leading international expert in female pleasure, Mangala Holland is a Women’s Sexual Confidence & Orgasm Coach and is the author of the #1 best-selling book, Orgasms Made Easy: the No-Nonsense Guide to Self-Pleasure, Sexual Confidence & Female Orgasms. Having 12 years experience in the industry, her superpower is helping women and vulva owners become deeply connected to their body, pleasure and orgasmic confidence, which is the natural birthright of everyone. Explore Mangala’s work here: https://mangalaholland.com/o-club
