What Darth Vader Taught Me About Love…

By Rachel Grant, M.A. Counseling Psychology.

I remember distinctly the moment as a twelve year old when the Princess Bride shoved Westley down the hill, and as his body tumbled he shouted, “As YOOOOOOUUUU wish”, and my cells shivered and shimmied as they deeply integrated this message about love – whoever loved me would want to fulfill my every desire.

Imagine my rude awakening when I fell in love for the first time at 17. Never one to do things halfway, we moved in together. I was working full-time, going to high school, and making a home with this boy I was head over hills in love with. But the excitement of new love soon faded and we were faced with reality… bills, dirty dishes, emotional immaturity that led to some pretty bad and physical fights.

I remember feeling cheated. This was not like the movies AT ALL!

Fast forward to today, my view of love, intimacy, and partnership has evolved into something much richer—and much more joyful. I’m learning that real love and sexual intimacy isn’t about perfection. It’s about celebrating the full, vibrant spectrum of who we are.

And yet…seriously…love still demands so much. Namely what I’ve discovered is that love has a whole hell of a lot to do with the dark side (Star Wars fans unite!).

Love is in part a willingness to accept the risk of being exposed to someone else’s dark side and to love that person even so.

And self-love is about a willingness to see, understand, and embrace your own dark side.

***Quick Disclaimer: it matters hugely what kind of dark side exists. If that dark side is abusive (as with my ex-husband), we need not remain. And if our own dark side is abusive, we must own that and take responsibility to address it. Though it’s hard to say, this is something I’ve had to face personally too.***

The other day, I happened upon this little nugget from the Counsels of Wisdom (a piece of Babylonian wisdom literature written in Akkadian containing moral exhortations):

“…requite with kindness your evil-doer… smile on your adversary.”

While this is a precursor to “Love thine enemy”, something I’ve always taken as an exhortation for being kind to others, this recently took on a new meaning for me…I turned it inward.

We all have parts of ourselves that we’d rather no one knows about, ways that we act that we later regret, peccadilloes that seem so essential to our well-being that to others might seem absurd…an “evil-doer” (okay let’s be real…there is likely more than one!) who manages to run the show at times.

Perhaps the greatest act of self-love is to, in these moments, “smile on your adversary” — not condone, not surrender, but smile…see that part of yourself and send love there. And when we are having a hard time doing so, hopefully we have someone who can help.

Take the other night: after a long day prepping for my upcoming retreat, I came home to a bit of kitchen chaos. My inner “nit-picker” flared up—you know the one! But instead of spiraling into blame or frustration, my partner at the time simply smiled, wrapped me up in a warm hug, and grounded us both back into what matters most: connection, affection, and love.

In truth, love is wildly sexy when it’s rooted in authenticity. It’s about showing up, being seen, and loving each other through it all—not just in the easy, shiny moments, but in the messy, human ones too.

One of the biggest lessons I’m embracing is that joyful sexual connection and emotional intimacy flourish when we drop the old myths about needing to be perfect. When we allow our whole selves to be loved—the silly parts, the tender parts, the moments when we accidentally leave bread crumbs all over the kitchen—we create a space where true erotic joy can take root.

That simple, everyday moment became a spark—a reminder that love isn’t about spotless counters. It’s about choosing each other, again and again. It’s about laughing at ourselves, forgiving quickly, and remembering that pleasure thrives when judgment steps aside.

Embracing every shade of ourselves—our radiant parts, our quirky or kinky parts, even our tired, cranky parts—actually deepens intimacy and opens the door to more playful, joyful, and meaningful sexual experiences.

This year, I’ve made a soul-level commitment to embrace it all. To celebrate the journey, not just the milestones. To invite more playfulness, more compassion, and more embodied joy into my life and my relationships.

Because when we love ourselves fully, we show up for love and sex differently—with more tenderness, more passion, and yes, even a little bit more of that fairy tale magic.

And that, my friends, is the kind of love story I want to live out loud.

— Brought to you by Ms. Vulnerable, who thanks you for reading (and loving all your beautiful shades, too!).

Rachel Grant is a disruptor of traditional modes of healing, creator of the Beyond Surviving program, international speaker, podcast host, and Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach with an M.A. in Counseling Psychology. She is also the author of Beyond Surviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse. Based on her educational training, study of neuroscience, and lessons learned from her own journey, she has successfully used the Beyond Surviving Program since 2007 to help survivors of childhood sexual abuse who are beyond sick and tired of feeling broken and unfixable break free from the pain of abuse and finally move on with their lives. Learn more at www.rachelgrantcoaching.com