Why Faking Orgasm Is Hurting Your Relationship (And How to Stop)
By Laura Jurgens, PhD.
Let’s talk about something many of us have done but rarely discuss openly: faking orgasms. If you’ve found yourself wondering how to stop this pattern, you’re not alone—and more importantly, you’re asking the right question.
Here’s the truth that might sting a little: if you’re faking orgasms, you’re likely people-pleasing your partner in ways that are quietly undermining your relationship. Even if you tell yourself you’re doing it “for them,” you’re actually doing it to avoid your own discomfort—the discomfort of being honest about what you need or when something isn’t working.
The Real Cost of Faking It
When we fake pleasure, we’re sending a troubling message to our own bodies: that our authentic desires don’t matter. What matters is keeping our partner comfortable or getting out of an awkward situation without having to be vulnerable. Over time, this pattern can actually shut down our body’s natural responsiveness. We risk losing access to genuine pleasure because we’ve trained ourselves to prioritize performance over authenticity.
This creates a cycle of dishonesty and dissatisfaction that seeps into other areas of your relationship. You deserve to show up exactly as you are, with your real needs and desires. You deserve emotional safety and the freedom to change your mind or ask for something different without fear.
Why This Isn’t a Quick Fix
Most people who fake orgasms need more than just a pep talk to break the habit. There’s usually deeper work involved around feeling emotionally safe enough to value honesty over avoiding your partner’s potential discomfort.
The pattern often traces back to childhood experiences where saying “no” wasn’t safe or celebrated. Many of us, particularly women, were socialized to treat our bodies as objects for others’ approval rather than as our own to honor and enjoy. This conditioning runs deep, which is why changing these patterns takes patience and often professional support.
The Path Forward: Two Essential Steps
Step One: Examine Your Safety
Take an honest look at whether you’re actually emotionally unsafe with your partner, or if you’re responding to old wounds and fears. Do you feel genuinely threatened, or are you operating from past experiences that taught you to avoid conflict at all costs?
This step often involves practicing saying “no” in low-stakes situations and learning that boundaries can actually strengthen relationships rather than damage them. As a coach, I practice this with clients all the time. You need to feel safe enough to be honest before you can ask for what you truly want.
Step Two: Have the Conversation
Schedule a calm, non-sexual moment to talk with your partner about this pattern. This conversation isn’t about blame—it’s about clearing the air and getting on the same team.
Own your part: “This is my pattern, and I want to change it.” Then reassure your partner that you want mutually satisfying intimacy with them, which means you’ll need their patience and support as you figure out what actually works for your body.
Be specific about what you need. Vague requests like “more foreplay” leave your partner guessing and anxious. Instead, share concrete details: the kind of touch that excites you, words you love to hear, or tools that enhance your pleasure. If you’re not sure what you need yet, that’s okay—make discovering it together part of your shared adventure.
Your Pleasure Matters
Your authentic pleasure isn’t a nice-to-have—it’s part of your birthright as a human being. You deserve the emotional safety to lean into genuine enjoyment and the freedom to communicate when something isn’t working.
The beautiful irony is that when you stop faking it and start advocating for your real needs, your relationship often improves dramatically. Authenticity creates intimacy in ways that performance never can.
If you can experience orgasm on your own, this pattern is absolutely fixable. If you haven’t experienced orgasm yet, that’s just information—not a limitation. Either way, learning to prioritize your authentic pleasure is always worth the effort.
Remember: real intimacy happens when both people can show up honestly, with all their needs and boundaries intact. Your relationship—and your body—will thank you for choosing authenticity over performance. For more guidance on building authentic intimacy and addressing these patterns, check out my podcast, Sex Help for Smart People, where I dive deeper into creating the relationships and sex life you truly want.
Laura Jurgens, PhD is a dual-certified Master relationship and intimacy coach and host of the Sex Help for Smart People Podcast. She is a desire-arousal specialist who helps individuals and couples shed relationship anxiety, gain confidence, master communication, and release shame around intimacy. Sign up for her weekly newsletter and get her Free Guide to Find Your Deepest Turn-Ons at www.laurajurgens.com.
