These 8 Common Pleasure Blocks Are Holding You Back. Here’s How to Crush Them and Finally Embrace Your Sexual Power.

By Mangala Holland.

Perhaps you feel that you’re somehow built differently from everyone else, and that deep pleasure and satisfying orgasms aren’t possible for you (or if you’ve already tried “all the things” and nothing has worked).

The good news is that it’s possible to develop sensitivity and the skillset required to awaken those elusive orgasms. You’re not broken, and you don’t need anyone to “fix” you. With 12 years experience of working with thousands of women & vulva owners, these are the most common obstacles to pleasure that I support my clients with:

Shame

You might feel like there’s something inherently wrong with you, as if you’re dirty or a bad person. You might have self-consciousness about your body or vulva, hesitancy in expressing yourself during sex, or shame about self-pleasure. Perhaps you were scolded for touching yourself as a child, taught that pleasure is sinful, or grew up around caregivers who were too embarrassed to discuss sexuality. You might also have been shamed by sexual partners or received cultural and religious messages. If you’re carrying this shame, be gentle with yourself. Working with a skilled coach or therapist can help you work through this.

Guilt 

Maybe you feel guilty for prioritising pleasure when there’s always “more important” work to do. Our capitalist productivity-based culture reinforces this, but pleasure isn’t indulgent; it’s essential. We need pleasure to thrive, and putting your own needs first isn’t selfish. Notice if you feel guilty about the length it takes to get aroused, or if you feel like you “should be doing something more productive” than sex or self-pleasure.

Stress 

If you’re always exhausted or lacking desire, stress could be the culprit as it has a huge impact on your sex drive. Short-term stress may pass, but chronic stress can keep you disconnected from pleasure. Recognising this is the first step to restoring balance and reigniting your sex drive.

Being stuck in your head 

Clients often tell me they feel stuck in their head and disconnected from their bodies. This could be a trauma response, or just a chronic habit of overthinking. In either case, “just relax” isn’t helpful advice. The key is learning to feel safe and present in your body, and learning how to regulate your nervous system so that you’re able to relax and be more aware of the sensations in your body

Upbringing and conditioning 

Messages we got in childhood like “you have to be a good girl” or that your partner’s pleasure is paramount can have a big impact on your sexual confidence, especially if you were raised in strict religious or controlling households. Mainstream culture and porn often reinforce ideas that female sexuality is either dangerous or for others’ pleasure. Reclaiming pleasure is about unlearning these messages and exploring what feels right for you.

Mindset 

If you think “I’m too busy for pleasure,” ask yourself what’s really behind that. Is it busyness, or a belief that your pleasure isn’t important? When you bring those unconscious stories to light, they lose their power.

Lack of knowledge 

Many people didn’t get real sex education, and very little information about female pleasure and orgasms. Learning about your body’s capacity for pleasure is your birthright and it’s never too late. Some of my clients are in their mid 70s and finally having the best sex and orgasms of their lives.

Trauma 

Trauma gets stored in the body, impacting your ability to relax and enjoy sex. Healing it can involve both body-based work and talk therapy, at a pace your nervous system can handle.

If you identify with one or more of these obstacles, please know there is so much help available, and that it is possible to thrive. It’s important that you find a trusted teacher, coach or therapist who can work with you at the pace that feels right for you. Start by exploring yourself, and develop your inner confidence. You might need to go slowly, but with time you can build a new relationship to your body, pleasure and desires, and experience fulfilling and liberating sexual experiences.

A leading international expert in female pleasure, Mangala Holland is a Women’s Sexual Confidence & Orgasm Coach and is the author of the #1 best-selling book, Orgasms Made Easy: the No-Nonsense Guide to Self-Pleasure, Sexual Confidence & Female Orgasms.

Having 12 years experience in the industry, her superpower is helping women and vulva owners become deeply connected to their body, pleasure and orgasmic confidence, which is the natural birthright of everyone. Explore Mangala’s work here: https://mangalaholland.com/o-club